such a bad day

these are the times that my heart aches because i dont have him to make me smile no matter how shitty i feel. it fucking blows. I miss the person that I was the closest to. The only person that was able to keep my head on straight, weigh me down, and make me feel at ease no matter what was happening.


fuck.

Merry Christmas! High point of tonight was my sister saying 'Hail Satan" while my dad was saying prayers. My parents hated it and I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard. After dinner and such I went to Nole and Ariel's and we all exchanged gifts. Fun fun.

Work tomorrow and then off for two days. I am so happy to go back to 5 day work weeks. I felt like I was running myself into the ground. Also, we recieved our last paychecks of the year. Cleared 52k! Fuuuuucccckk yeah. Why do people go to college again?!

i miss listening to the mean streets and going to their shows. i honestly love them.

ew, somehow i've become a total single guy magnet and 90% of me doesn't want it. haha but it is fabulous none the less.

haha I don't know why I get really sour during holidays and such. I think it's all the hours at work and the crazy people. I should honestly just be happy. I'm talking to a few guys and they are all very interested. I've been making money and I have been managing it well. I go out a lot and have a ton of friends. & they are all unbelievable friends. and a family that helps me whenever they can and gives all of their hearts to me. im lucky as hell.

i am tho i little upset that my roomie will be moving. we love eachother! although i am excited for another refresh so fast. hopefully i find someone fabulous to live with in this awesome apartment.

I think I'm going to be just as sad on christmas as I was on thanksgiving. i don't like the holidays anymore without him. it just doesn't feel right anymore..&& i really miss his family.

...it still really pulls at my heart sometimes.

winter time begs for you to get under the covers with someone and spoon. :)

lady pimping aint easy

can't shake this heaving feeling off my chest.

but i am so happy any way :) for real. i love every single person in my life and where i am heading. i only have an interest in myself and having fun. can't wait for january for my los angeles trip. i want to travel oh so much.

lately boxed wine and lionshead have been muh jammmmmm.

instead of a christmas wish list how about a dream boy wish list

-Tall (6 ft. or taller) This is pretty important
-Skinny (I want some hip bone action)
-No baggy jeans, (tight fitting // skinny ciggarette jeans are my fav)
-This goes with shirts as well (no dumb sayings, make it tight, & just plain shirts/band shirts)
-You must LOVE music (rock/indie)
-If you can play a guitar, bass, or drums that would totally be a plus
-Jaw structure!!
-You better have breath taking eyes
-Nice teeth ( you don't need pearly whites)
-Give me some scruff (no beards and no clean shaven)
-Good in bed (but don't have toooo much experience)
-Likes to dance
-Likes to drink (no alcoholics, but likes to get hammered from time to time)
-Smoking ciggs may be bad for you but i think it's sexy
-Be a fan of the green (but don't be tooooo into it)
-No hard drugs plz
-Doesn't have a history with cheating
-But also doesn't want to be in a really serious relationship just yet
-Have a job thats stable
-Acts like a gentlemen (i dont need you to pay for every meal or open doors just treat me like a lady)
-FUNNY



hmm, I will add to this as more things come to mind

:)

oh dear. life just keeps getting crazier and crazier. && I absoulutly love ittt.

My life: a constant work in progress and I wouldn't have it any other way

hmm, good things are continually coming down the road & it's fucking wonderful. i'm doing great at work and making really good money. i also love my friends so much, they all mean the entire world to me. it's nice to know there are so many decent people out there.

i have a date on thursday. we are going out for dinner at a really nice sushi restraunt in center city. we will see how that goes. he has a good job, goes to school, has high expectations for the future, a sweetheart and has a killer smile. but i still don't want anything serious. single life is pretty awesome. doing whatever i want, when i want is equally nice.

die young and save yourself

i'm sure you feel like life is fantastic when you place it next to the last 2 years of your life.

failed relationships one after another.
suicide attempt failed.
chlamydia.
living in a trailer park.
abusive boyfriends.
trying to get pregnant.

and i'm sure it will come all back again, full circle.

everyone that you know says how much of a fuck up you are. trainwreck and loser are repetative words that i hear used to describe you. and these are all people you call 'friends'


karma is a fucking bitch. act your age. i honestly deep down feel immensly sorry for you. get out of your fucking fantasy world. you jumped into something too deep and way too fast. you think this is real? this isn't real love. love is built. it's only infatuation with something new and fresh. you're living in a fantasy world. and you should seriously know that by now. people smile in front of your face but it isn't their true feelings.

stop pretending to be the bigger person because everyone can see through your fake facade. you consistantly try to be quite in the ways you try to annoy me - you try to get reactions out of me and all I can do is just laugh each and every time. it's not going to get to me. ever. not anymore.

and please let me see you outside of one of my friend's places. you will be so fucking sorry.

umph.

My heart broke again when I saw you last night..ugh.

still staying posssiii tho.

I believe the unthinkable can come true, If you want it to.

:) For the first time, in what feels like a long time, I'm sure I can say I am genuinely happy with at least 90% of my life. I've got a freaking awesome apartment, and I paired that with a totally rocking roomate. Absolutlely wonderful friends, old ones that I have reconnected with, all of my current ones, and new ones consistently. My family is always there to help me. Some what financial stabilty has entered it's way in now that I have reduced my monthly bills and stability is only becoming stronger with the future.

& for once I really do not want to be in a relationship with a guy. Sure, when I feel 'lonely' and want someone to hold me and of course when I want a make-out sesh, I do haha But I don't want to be held down just yet. Yeah, I def want to meet guys and kinda see people but I don't want anything serious especially when my heart still pull towards my ex and the fact that I am finally finding out how to make myself happy without another being.

:)

haha

Pretty sure that the cheese shop across the street from me deals drugs. It's still 'open' at 12:30am and women who look like coke whores knock on the door and are let in and then they leave a few minutes later.

When will my heart let go?

Hmm. Huuuge chapter of my life has closed, officially. Old apartment is empty. Moved into my new one. I absolutely love my new apartment and this new start. No more living with the ghosts of the past. But I'm pretty sure parts of my heart are still there. I don't want to get upset everytime that I think of him.
Can someone help my heart move the fuck on? But, 3 years with someone and 2 years of living with them during the biggest changes and greatest times of my life is pretty hard to get away from. We moved out of our parent's homes together and spent every god damn night together. The worst part really is that we share all of the same friends. Can't even go to the party I wanted to go to tonight because he is bringing her and I know that the first time that I get to see her that I am going to ruin her ugly face. & I don't plan on doing it at a friend's home. She is honestly the most disgusting and pathetic person I have ever known, really. Ever placing trust in her and ever caring about her makes no sense to me now.

I like to pretend I have a hard exterior / But let me get this off my chest

Whenever I was sad or feeling low you would know right away, lay down beside me and hold onto me tight. "boo" "babyyyy" "i love you" Instantly, I would feel better. You meant the world to me and knowing that you were there for me, cared so much, wanted to make me happy made me believe there was nothing wrong. I felt so goddamn lucky. ....I try not to show it or even allow myself to remember/think about how I feel now. But still, I'm torn up inside. I couldn't imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else ever & I never have in the past. I never believed days like these would exist or that I would ever be heart broken by him. I truly, truly loved him. & I guess I still maybe do. && It sucks that this entire apartment just reminds me of him. Every time I walk into it. I can't wait to get out of here sometimes. I can't have these ghosts around me any longer.


The first time that I met you I knew One day I would know you even better ...You are the only one I love You are the only one I love You are the only one I love to love

The smoke, it sank into my skin

'Cause these last three years, I know they have been hard, But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, Even if its alone.

oh, hey

still, i miss you so fucking much.
:o(

fuck,

Owen. I love you but you always make me so sad. I need to get some tickets and someone to go with. The show is the day after my birthday.

:(

I've been bottling up way too many emotions. Trying to cover everything up and keep myself busy. Trying to keep my mind off of all of it. It's starting to eat at me. I don't know. But honestly I don't want to go over it any more in my mind. There are no answers and there isn't any type of resolution. Just time to restart, refresh, and renew every thing. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood, lonely, and tired. Can a cute fucking dude please just come into my life and distract me even more? I've got such a big heart .. I'm tired of it feeling so empty. I just want to forget the past again.


Consider this, that he was moving on while
She was busy trying to pass the time
Between the previous and next nervous breakdown.
The girl had given up the love of her life.

Oh, you really need to settle down,
And let it go.
You really need settle down,
No you really need to let it go.
For good, forget his lies -
It's the only way to save your life.
'Cause this is restitution
For the love you've thrown away.

Just say you left me like you could.
Oh, oh you said you never would.
Just say it's done, and be gone.
Just say it's done, and be gone.

weird

Wow.

In a month and a half I feel like a lot has changed. A whole lot. I know what I want and I'm just trying to get there one day at a time.

I've been hanging out with Justin. Never thought that would happen, ever.again. I almost thought I was crazy to even think about it. But he seems like he has changed and I've had fun spending time together. No, I would never ever try a version 2 relationship. But he's a good friend for sure and we can have fun together.

I think I may just have found a place to live. Fingers crossed. 8th and South Street. People look cool (i facebook lurk), roof deck, great location and the house is covered with an Isaiah Zagar mosaic. Now I just need to see if I like the people in real life. haha

.....

i just wanna wake up and roll over to someone in bed beside me. :( i miss that so fucking much.

.

blah blah blah

Mhmmm

And if my hands find themselves another body, well you cant blame them for trying to keep warm.

I need a cutie to enjoy this fabulous weather with. I want to go pumpkin picking, bike riding, long walks in the city with coffee in hand, museum/zoo hopping, haunted houses and curl up under blankets and watch scary movies. I fucking love Autumn.

And the days, and the days they seem like forever...But forever isn't ever enough!!

Streetlight Manifesto. Love them. Going to ska shows makes me feel like I'm sixteen again. I love it. Dancing is great. & good music is even better.

I'm confused as hell with a lot in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I am absolutely crazy. But I'm still so excited about this new chapter in my life. A restart is really something I've been needing for a while. Remaking friends and making new ones is all fantastic. I'm getting to know myself again and it feel great to be me. It feels great to just let loose. I can't wait to find somewhere new to live and I really hope it's with fantastic people. I'm also very excited to be able to afford life. For too long I was paying too much only to live with my boyfriend at the time. Paying way too much and having someone else depend on me. Thinking it was worth it. It wasn't and I really feel like that's what drove it all apart. I don't want to live with any love interest for a while. Sleep overs will be hella nice tho. I hate coming home and sleeping alone every single night. I need a cuddle buddy. I need someone who just accepts me for who I am and makes it obvious that they know how caring and wonderful I am. I've got a deep heart but a smart head. I don't want anything too serious just yet and I'm certainly not trying to push anything. If someone makes me happy then fine. But whatever happens happens. I'm going to keep one foot on the ground with anything that happens.

Also, I'm going to go to bar tending school. I want a job that I am going to have fun at. I don't want any more quotas and take rates. I don't want to have to worry about getting so much data on a contract, selling so many accessories per phone, setting up email, capturing their email, setting up their self service, friends and family, asking for referrals and closing small business deals. All while making the customer believe that I really care for them with a fake ass smile and laugh to go with it. I fucking hate it. It's redundant and lame. I really think I would be amazing at tending bar and waiting on people. Customer's love me now! I have a killer memory at work. I wanna do this until I figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Sometimes I think it's medical, or somehow helping people, and sometimes I just want to own a bar/venue. I really have no idea. But whatever I do I want it to make me happy.

my heart is a stereo

i'm pretty happy as a whole. i'm glad i have such good friends in my life.

Always one foot on the ground

Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be able to be in a healthy relationship. How am I going to ever be able to trust anyone? I'm just so tired of empty promises and lies. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

:o(

I'm not going to put all of myself out there anyone. I'm not going to bank on anyone. Whatever happens, happens.

i picked

the worst night ever to get fucking drunk.

:o(

I ain't no wolf, but I'm hungry for your looks, alright, this much is true.

Thank you god for cigarettes, iced coffee, and music.

Driving and walking around the city is so soothing to me. I get to think so much about my life and what I want and I've come to a lot on conclusions. Honestly, maybe this break up was a good thing. I get to start all over again and I don't have anyone holding me back. I get to live my life and act my own age. No more trying to be someone in their mid 30s and never having fun in life.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Philly Seaport Museum to go see their new(er) exhibit 'Skin & Bones'. Tattoos in the life of an American Sailor. I love traditional style a lot and I'm sure I'm going to be walking out of there wanting even more tattoos than I already plan to have.

&& I also get to go with the most adorable boy that I have seen in the city, ever. :o)

Oh, Lord knows I'm tired,

But I, I, I won't rest my head until I'm home.And if my hands find themselves another body, well, You can't blame them for trying to keep warm. Oh, lord knows I'm weak,But I, I, I can't clear my head if I'm asleep.

It's been one perfect crime, all my life until tonight.

I'm going to make September my bitch.

I'm staying on the charming side of drunk

I have no idea what going inside my mind anymore. I have never been this confused ever. What is going on in my life? I feel like it flipped upside down over night. I've enjoyed being with people a lot though and I'm happy I have great people in my life.

There's been some boys I've talked to. But honestly I don't want to be with anyone. I'm way to afraid to ever get hurt again.

Do you still believe in me like I believe

i don't think anyone could ever know how i feel. honestly. & i hate myself for it.

i really thought he was someone true and genuine. he was someone that i would've given the world to. someone i wanted to please so hard every day and every moment. someone who told me that they cared the same exact way about me. and he made me believe he honestly wanted to spend his life with me.

but nope. he didn't try hard enough and just fucked everything up and tried to get out of it the easy way. he says he is sorry and that he feels so bad over this but his actions don't speak the same way.

so whatever, you two deserve each other. it will never work anyway.

<3

you both are fucking scumbags

Heavy Heart

I still wake up all night and wonder why you are not in bed next to me..then call your name out to the living room only to remember I've lived in this apartment alone for the past week. My heart feels so very heavy all of the the time.

Two months ago he told me how much he wanted to be able to buy me a ring and only a week ago he was telling me how sad he gets when I go to work first because he misses holding me in his arms.

///

Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.

So with my job I get some sweet discounts at a lot of gyms.
12th Street gym has certainly won my affections.

They have tons of free classes w/ a membership and
Strip Tease Aerobics & Punk Rope were the decision makers.

huuuuuuuuuuuunggggggggoverrrrrrrrrrrrr.

when soul meets body

I've felt so detached from myself lately. I need to go take a walk and find the pieces of myself that I have dropped and lost. It's almost as if I feel like I'm just a robot without feelings and walking around just completing tasks.

I don't even know why I'm feeling like this ... but it needs to stop.

Ughhh, Ughhhh

makes me laugh uncontrollably every single time



WATCH THE WHOLE THING. TRUST ME.

It's okay 'cause I'm still breathing...

Hating my job more than ever, still. My job really wears me out..I just wanted to come home today and drink but I feel exhausted. It's also pretty sad when all you want to do is come home and drink your life/anxiety away. Sometimes I really believe I'm becoming a binge drinker. If I don't have work the next day I feel that I must make sure that I have alcohol in the fridge so that I can let loose and act oblivious to all that is going on around me.
Ugh. I just need more to happen in my life. I'm 21 years old and every day just bleeds into the other. I should be living these years up and acting reckless.

listen up, yo

I've been getting REALLY sick of my job lately. I just don't want to handle it anymore.
February 20th I'm going to an orientation for a Certified Nursing Assistant program. Classes start in March and it's a 16 week course. After that I will take the State Exam and begin applying for jobs. I feel really good about this and it will be my first step into the Medical Field.

My Dad also has a friend that owns a bar in Collingswood. He left a message for him asking if they could teach me how to bar tend. That way when I finish school I can leave my current job .. work at a hospital during the day/week and weekends I can make some sweet tips by pouring drinks and flirting with older men. haha

I also just purchased tickets for 'Flight of The Conchords' at Tower Theater. I'm getting excited for this.

mhmm

fresh ta death.